


Valentines Fright

by PAPERHATDUDE



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batjokes, I'm Bad At Titles, M/M, TBH my version of joker is a mix between btas and the Lego movie one so???, Uh first fanfic I'm posting woah, Uhm, Unbeta'd, batgirl admittedly doesn't do much, batman does not actually save the day whoops, im not gonna bump up the rating for that, im sorry bout that, theres an f-bomb at the end but hey, uh I don't know how brains work I just wanted an excuse to write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 01:12:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10349094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PAPERHATDUDE/pseuds/PAPERHATDUDE
Summary: Joker and Scarecrow team up on Valentine's Day to help Gotham city find love.





	

“Harley, be a dear and introduce our co-star.”

“Now presenting the fabulous fearmaster, the one, the only, Scarecrow!” Harley waves her arms about giddily as Scarecrow joins the Joker on the reality tv set. 

“Thank you, Harley, thank you.” Tinny, recorded applause spills from the speakers. He sits down in one of the chairs, reclining nonchalantly. The bound and gagged reality tv show hosts sitting off to the side let out muffled screams.   
“Doctor Crane, can you tell the audience why we’re doing this extra-special crossover team-up for such a lovely holiday?” The Scarecrow . . . nods? Yeah that was a nod. Kinda hard to tell under the mask. 

“Fear and love are intertwined. How many viewers are at home right now, eating those heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, hiding, afraid of love? How many people are sad today because of it?” “

And everyone at home knows how much I hate to see anyone sad!” He claps gleefully. “With the help of my-” a quick glance at Scarecrow, “-our new ScareJoke gas, patent pending.” Harley produces a can labeled ‘ScareJoke’ on a silver platter. 

“This gas targets the part of your brain asso-”

“This guy,” the Joker interrupts, slinging his arm around Scarecrow, “he’s a genius! Even with a head full of straw. Ha!”

“Good one Mistah J!” Scarecrow takes the clowns fit of hysterics to slide the Jokers arm off his shoulder. 

“But the best part is, it works in solid form too.” The Joker shakes the can through his giggles. “I was just a little sentimental about it. You know, Joker and gas go together like Batman and brooding.”

He leans closer to the camera. “Those heart-shaped boxes of waxy chocolate; those discount bags of sweets, sickening really, that you shove in your faces to avoid your problems, drowning your sorrows in diabetes. No worries about that, you'll find true love yet! Very, very soon.” Laughter rings through the recording studio. 

Harley giggles nervously. “Well, uh, now a message from our sponsors, heh he.” She announces over the clown slapping his knee in the background.

 

Batman flips the switch on the screen, turning off the video of Harley rollerskating in a tutu to the soundtrack of titanic. Alfred, projected on the windshield, raises an eyebrow. 

“Do you know what TV station he hijacked?” Batman asks, turning a corner and hoping it's not taking him farther away from the scene of the crime. 

“You should know sir, you have done several interviews there.” Alfred sniffs. Batman growls and idles at a red light. 

“Please, Alfred. Lives are on the line!” Probably. Honestly, the Joker's plan doesn't seem that nefarious right now, but it's knowing him it's probably going to make people's heads explode. Or laugh uncontrollably. Or give them heart attacks. On Valentine's day. Ugh. That's... probably it.

“Very well sir, sending you the address now.”

“Thank you Alfred.”

“Sir?” The Batmobile is already speeding towards the news tower. “I don’t really understand how the Joker's plan would harm anyone.” Batman thinks for a second. 

“Well, he didn’t let Scarecrow explain about the toxin, so he's obviously hiding something. And he hacked into another TV station.” Alfred hums in agreement. “Gotta go, see you soon Alfred.”

 

“Welcome back kiddies! We've got a new surprise guest on the show, and it's so nice of her to hang around.” The Joker pulls back the curtain to reveal Batgirl, hanging over a giant vivisected teddy bear. “Oh the things one will do for love. Harley!”

“Yuh huh Bo bo?” Her head pops out from behind one of the studio chairs. 

“Have the guys put up the timer.” He waved his hand vaguely. “The Batman timer.” Harley bobs her head, sticking her fingers in her mouth and letting out a sharp whistle. 

“Hey! If one of you bums puts up the Bat timer I won't blow ya freakin brains out.” A loud crash and frantic scrabbling from outside the frame. Harley smiles, fiddling with the trigger of her pop-rifle. A fairly uninteresting low-budget timer appears on the bottom left of the screen. “Good boys. Now shh, the fun's just getting started!” She dances over to the Joker , who is having a whispered conversation with the Scarecrow.

“You didn't say you had Batgirl, you said we'd just tell everyone about the toxin, this isn't what I signed up for.” 

“Come on Scarecrow, what did you expect? We hotwire the idiot box to tell everyone about our plan when we could just shut up about it and wait for the Bat to be incapacitated? No way.” The Joker shakes a box of chocolates in front of Scarecrows face. “I've got a feeling Bat-Boy won't be getting any of these anytime soon, and putting his playmate in danger will draw him out so we can get him!” The Joker crosses his arms. “And anyway I didn't have Batgirl. It's a happy accident, my favorite kind.” He clasps his hands and chuckles.

Scarecrow grabs him by the collar and pulls him close. “If your idiotic plan gets me stuck back in Arkham I'll make sure you'll regret it.”

“Oh, how scary. Be sure to work on your game face, Batman’ll never take you to prom looking like that. In fact, he's so unimpressed that he wants to tell you in person!” Scarecrow immediately drops Joker, spinning around with a hiss. 

Nothing behind him. The Joker and Harley are in hysterics, clinging to each other as they hoot in laughter. 

“Lighten up Scarecrow.” the laughter stops. Scarecrow takes a step back. “It was a little funny.” The shadows move, and Scarecrow is thrown to the side before he can turn around again. 

“Batsy, baby, it's so nice that you thought about little old me on Valentine's Day.” Batman steps forward, knocking Harley Quinn out with a batarang. The Joker grabs the can of ScareJoke gas, spraying it at Batman before he can get too close.   
“Go on, save your little gal pal. I'm outta here.” Joker turns, but Batman grabs him by the collar. “Come on, damnit.” He shakes the can and sprays it in Batman's face again. 

“Joker …” Batman's lips crush into the Jokers, and now he knows that everything else before this was dumb and boring bad this is what it's meant to be like. It's awkward and messy and the mask is digging into his cheek but that's not important. 

Joker can hear Batgirl yelling through her gag in the background faintly but that doesn't seem to matter right now.   
Batman's big strong arms are holding him, not by the collar but in an embrace.

Harley sits up, rubbing her head and groaning. 

“Puddin?” Her shaky voice cuts through the kiss and Batman pulls away to look at her.   
Then he looks down at the Joker in his arms.   
And at the cameras broadcasting everything live to everyone in Gotham city. 

Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> Anybody get my WTNV reference?


End file.
